who
Well i dont know really i just make this shit wiht a dumb tamplate i found online , i barely know how talk in enlgihs i will maake aloot fo mistakes lol.
i want a place where i cant just my tought alone for myself being in any type of social media is just turning in a horrible asshloe i already was lol. but whatever
i dont know shit about coding so it will be a lot noticble when the tamplate stop holgin me looool
||||||||||||||||||THE PAIN I DID
I CANT I JUST CANT SAID IT IM SORRY
WHAT I GET FROM IT
I was 19, I discovered I could be this. At first, I just wanted to know why, why do I want this? Why would anyone want this? The idea seemed nice at first, but then a lot of shit happened. I felt scared of actually doing it, so I just tried not to think about it, tried not to think about doing it. It stayed that way until just two months ago. I don't know what it was, the things that just simply pushed me to do it, I just did it. I wish I knew why. I kind of know a reason, but it's so fucking stupid that even saying it makes me want to vomit. It's because I hate manhood and everything about it. Every man in my life has either hurt me, left, or taken advantage of me, and I could never do anything about it. And then I did the same to other people. I hurt people who put their trust in me, and I just ruined it. I will have to carry that forever. I hate myself so much. I hate that I was born a man. If I wasn't a man, I would never have made those mistakes. I don't know if doing this just because of that is the right decision. I don't have any type of dysphoria. I have looked in the mirror and it's just me. I don't feel any sort of detachment from that. if this shit actually does something for me, I could have a new start. Nothing that I did will be erased, I know that, but maybe if I could have a different body, a different mind that didn't make those mistakes, I could become better. That's what I want, to be a better person, to grow, to not become stuck in the ways that I was, because I just hate myself so much.
MY PAIN
was beaten up semi-regularly by my mom as a child, which I kind of considered really normal where I grew up. She sometimes called me a hypocrite for reasons I didn't really understand. she split my lip just one time because I was being annoying. Later in life, I was at my cousin's house. We went to his room, and three of my cousins who were older than me put me on the bed and got on top of me one by one, with their clothes on so I guess it wasn't that bad. I still remember how it felt. Kind of weird, I suppose. I don't really understand it. Before my mom met my second dad, I had to live with my grandparents because we didn't have our own house. My uncle also lived there, on the second floor. He always "jokingly" touched my private parts. Looking back now, I don't think he really meant it in a sexual way, but I always hated it when he did that. To this day I still recoil when he wants to shake my hand. Later, my mom met my second dad. He didn't really get me and always reprimanded me for stupid things like getting annoyed when I was just reading or drawing, or for answering his own questions back to him. I tried to do better, but I'm just very forgetful. Out of nowhere he would give me a noogie to punish me. And like I said, I was forgetful, so it happened many times over a long period until eventually, every time his hand came near my head for any reason, I'd just recoil. He always laughed when I did that. I was still doing it until I was 20, because that's when he left. At 13 years old I did something incredibly stupid. I went out at night wearing my mother's underwear because I wanted to be raped. To this day I don't remember if anything actually happened or not, laaaster in live my first time was with some 30 Year old I kinda feel bad that was my first time with someone i know already it was stupid of me I would really like it to do it whit someone I love but whatevs reading again all idk probably is not really that bad in comparison with other people it's kinda whatever probably is stupid that I even wrote this
05/06/2026
my pain make others suffer pain this is not an excuse no i just how it is i wish coul be different but that was my mistake i hate myself so much but i reelly cant do anythin about it but is not possible
hiiiii no one i been bussy not really lol i just came back for tell who im been in my therapy weell I tell everithing i did and everithing tha happen and they callme a good person i dont know if they should be telling me that idk dont feel like one y dont feel like i deserver been called one but idk
24/05/2026 IM CHRONICAL OLNIE I NEED TO PUT SHIT ON THE INTERNTE OR ILL DIE LOOOL
Hii idk if no one becuse noene check this lool i was talking about some niche comunity idt what im being vague about it lool but its get likeee really bad no like the people were bad there more and more time being there whout actually doign anythin soo ye I """"relapse"""" lol but I think im kinda fine now idk i seet like a realistic goal the i will not going back until my bday in two mohtn I REALLY NEED TO ACOMPLISH THIS PLS BRAIN DONT FAIL THIS SHIT
20/05/2026 I HAVEN WIRTE ANTHIN LOOOOL
HIIIIII hewwlo weel what can i said mmm my first secion in thereapy whas yesterday and came out kinda okey to bad i going to see then just in evey two weeks i wihs it could be more but whatever i just in vacation and still whiout a job bleh
16/05/2026 lolcow
Again wiht the self pityyy uuuh but honeslty that my most realistic scenario is endup like that someday my shit is going to get know and thats what goint to happen.......and againg I TALKING WHO AFFECT ME OMG ISUCJ UUGHJUDFTGHIOFDR
came back
yeaaah i get back to that prrety samll comunity idk why i dont really fit in there butttttt whatever i hope to be ther to much idk
Analitics Againg
Sooo i really dont get anything what cludflare is show me a lot of thing are in red and have no idea what it mean
16/05/2026 hiii
hiii hello hiii this suucks i stated to feel kinda better and it suck i supposed to feel bad so it dosent seem im larping to me therapist in monday uuuuuhg lets hope i feel like shit that day or something idk
A FANTASY
I often fantasy wiht the idea of geting old wiht the idea the this feeling will be a simply a dumb memoru for my oldself i wish so much this happen but everyday it get harder to think this woul ever happen
ANALITICS
THE number of people that have loking a this is getting anyjoying WHO ARE YOU HOW DO YOU EVEN FIND THIS well i hope the majority just move on and stop looking
TITLE
I don't think I could ever be with someone else. Sooner or later, I will have to tell them what I did, and I know all the love they could have for me will be shattered with regret: "Why did I let this monster enter my heart?" How can I do that to someone? But at the same time, I want to be with someone so much. Ugh, I don't know. Probably, I will never find someone who could forgive my mistakes anyway.
Getiing help?
I finaly tell my mom if she could get my a psychologist I wanted to be vage so I dint tell her why kinda regret asking her now whatevs let see in a few days how it goes
15/05/2026 WAKING UP EARLY AGAIN AWARD
yeeeah I still doing this idk why to uuh whatever i have to find something to do now
RELAPSE Again?
It sounds stupid to call it that but yeah I entered again into the social scene I don't want to see, and now I feel bad The positives are, uhhh well it was a little time I guess. Idk
A lot of people have look a this page
i Just want to say yessssssss I made this for the sole reason people is for people feel pity for me yeah that's it and nothing else, so please even if you don't know what I did think I'm someone that isn't worth of forgiveness.
it just me
i could go on and on wiht this but you get the idea
this ones are just stupid
Porn this and porn that is allll the know what to talk about omgg sooo annoying do it or not idk
I tried to tak to them to
It's not fair I just feel more horrible as a person Why do I even try to talk to them?
14/05/2026
yeah stardeing now i im goint to put the newest thing firt im not goint to chenge the other things becuse im lazy lol
The others others like me
Yeah I suck at vague post so you should know what im talking about here lonl but idk it just feel i am supposed to be like them to feel the same things as them but im not I just simply feel so weirder out bleeeeeh another shit to add to the list of "stupid shit that only affect me"
12/05/2025
weell i just goint to use this as a type of journal i think yesterday was the las day at uni an it begin how is started complety alone bleeeeh i kind just leave crying becuse i the last project was supposed to be a musci video and this shittass was the only one who did it alone soo yeah was certanly an expiercen to se the other people having phot doing it while i just barely sleep myself
me btw :p
i learn how to block shit
yeaaaah i think i block most of the the social that i could i thikn i woul be a loooooooonng time whe i come back i hope its going to me more lonely that it is but whater is for the best , btw i thik the rule is a dont add a ner date is most like thi shit is for the msa day idk
i write like shit lol
or how the it coul be a typign kirk 0_0 naaah i just write like shit hahahah
i learn how to block shit
yeah the blocker works like wonder but it just feel lonely i guess like i know is just better this way i almor kill myself fot being there to much but idk i goint to mis "hering" the voices of thousthan people fighting for meaniles stuff like i just rember hoe quiet is really here.....i dont really like it
My writing is weird isnt it?
yeah before a really re read my stuff in other places but here idk who care how i wirte shit this is only for myself and no one else if i undertan what i wirte ists fine by me
why not used neocities or other alike?
i guess i dint want to post in places like that is just boilnd down tho the same sure they look pretty and inovathin but still a socila media and i really reallt trying to disntaind myself for anything like thart
